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| Is anger ever a constructive emotion?
I'm finding myself thinking about this lately. And I have come to the conclusion that anger is like a drug. You sit and dwell on what other people are doing that is just driving you crazy, and you imagine being able to deliver a speech that will devastate them to their very core and force them to see the error of their ways. And it kind of feels good to stew in a self-righteous daydream in which everything you do is right and everything else is wrong.
What I just described is something I don't like about myself sometimes, and I have been trying not to let myself indulge in. Anger doesn't make me think clearer, or feel better, and it doesn't make me right. And since I've started to think this way, I find, ironically, that it makes me angry when other people can't or won't control their anger.
I guess anger management is a process.
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| My best friend and housemate has bipolar disorder (BPD). I've known this for about as long as I've known her, which is about four years now. Aside from the occasional hiccup, the friendship has been smooth. But lately manic and depressive episodes seem to be taking over her life and our friendship, and at a time when I should be worried about her, I find myself worrying about me. It's funny that, as she and I have been talking about her symptoms and trying to figure out what helps her, she keeps saying that she feels selfish a lot of times when she listens to herself tell me what goes through her head during an episode, and I feel selfish when I even think about my needs when her own seem to be so much more urgent, never mind committing my thoughts to speech or writing*.
I came across a term in a book I was reading about being supportive for someone with BPD that I think applies to me. The term is 'flooding', meaning that sometimes people close to BPD sufferers get overwhelmed with the enormity of bipolar disorder and therefore start to get overwhelmed with each visible symptom they show. Right now it's really only a few symptoms that overwhelm me, so I'm not too bad yet. I guess I just need to muster up the courage to actually talk to her about those issues. I know that up to a certain point, it isn't selfish to be up-front my needs, and that it's going to be necessary, but I have a hard time telling someone who is starting to work very hard to get in control of her moods, her relationships, and her entire life that I want her to think about that, too.
*To give an idea how difficult this is, I have now been working on this for an hour and a half, trying to decide if I actually want to submit this to be read by anyone else.
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| I'm in the computer lab at Liberty University. My roommate, Emily, and I have been trying to get our work done for this stupid class. I've got my stuff printed, so now I'm waiting on Emily so we can have some lunch before going back to class. I told myself I wasn't going to rant about this, but I will say that this class is the most poorly organized class I have ever taken. It's chock full of hidden rubrics, vague answers, worthless class activities, and 'Surprise! You did this assignment wrong and have to redo it' moments. I have just a day and a half to go. Hopefully I pass the class and there are no nasty surprises. If not, I'm switching schools. There is just no way I'm coming back to Liberty once I'm done with my third class.
Before this class, I was feeling really good about being a teacher. Now I'm not so sure I care that much.
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| I seem to have lost weight, since my clothes are fitting a little looser. Might have to make a little more effort to find substantive food, as one-dollar microwave meals do not seem to be doing the trick.
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| I started a post about my first week at Liberty, and then I decided not to write anything at all about it. I think it's better that way.
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